Self-loathing
by That-Bookish-Ravenclaw
Summary: Dean and Seamus have had a misunderstanding that could end their friendship. Ginny decides to help her ex-boyfriend sort it out. Follow on from "Serious Repercussions" is you want it to be however it's also stand alone.


**Self-loathing**

Dean Thomas sat, completely alone, at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall at Hogwarts school. His sketchpad was sitting by his hand, untouched. His breakfast was in front of him, going cold as he simply stared at it. He couldn't quite believe what he had done last night. Part of him had hoped it was nothing more than a terrible dream. But the look Seamus, his best friend, had given him that morning as they changed had told him it had been very real.

Dean had never experienced that cold, rejecting glare before; from anyone, let alone the fun loving, cheeky boy who he called his best friend. But, he reasoned with himself, it wasn't shocking; most boys would have acted a lot worse. Back in the muggle world Dean had a friend who'd come out as gay. He, personally, had been totally cool, he didn't see any reason not to be, but that boy had been attacked by someone he'd called his best friend.

Oh yes, Dean Thomas knew how some boys reacted to that kind of thing, and since coming to Hogwarts he'd found that sexuality was even more of a hot-button topic than in the muggle world.

A pretty, redheaded girl sat next to him, not bothering to ask if she could sit down. Dean wouldn't have minded anyway, it was Ginny Weasley - the first girl he'd confided his feelings to. Ginny had, naturally, been shocked, but had been incredibly supportive.

"What's happened, Dean?" She asked, forcing him to look at her.

Dean shook his head, indicating his wish to remain silent. But Ginny wasn't going to accept that.

"It's Seamus, isn't it?" She waited a moment, but when he didn't respond she carried on, "why isn't he sitting with you?"

"I kissed him." Dean whispered. "I don't know why, I just did."

Ginny paused then nodded. She didn't even looked shocked "And did you like it?"

Dean looked at her sharply. "Surely that's not the most pressing matter, Ginny?"

"If you liked kissing him then you are going to need to deal with this in a different way than if you didn't..." She wasn't put off by his death glare.

"Yes," Dean sighed, "yes, Ginny, I liked kissing my best friend."

The pretty redhead nodded and looked at her folded hands. "What happened, Dean, tell me properly and tell me everything."

"I was drawing, Seamus came into the room, I offered to help him spell his eyebrows back. I made a joke, he got angry, I made another, less obvious joke, he thought it was a come-on. I grabbed his robes, he put his wand to my throat. He touched my face... I kissed him. He said nothing and went to bed." Dean sighed, he felt ashamed; he knew he shouldn't, but he did.

"And has he spoken to you since?"

Dean pushed his egg around his plate. "He glared at me this morning, but no, he never spoke to me."

"I think there is one big positive," Ginny began, smiling kindly at her ex-boyfriend, "he didn't hurt you, Dean, not physically. And, no offence to your side of the species, men aren't exactly known for their wonderful emotional intellect. It would have been far more likely for him to hit you, if he felt threatened."

"He hasn't spoken to me, Ginny!"

"Have you thought that maybe he's confused at what he's feeling, Dean?" Ginny paused, "What if he likes you back and hasn't thought about it before? What about if he's liked you for ages and only just figured out you like him back?" Ginny smiled widely, "what if he's just terrified that you only kissed him to figure out if he's gay and he's worried because he is and he thinks you'll react badly to it?"

"Ginny, I love your intelligence, but Seamus is a bloke, we don't think like that. If Shay was gay, then I think he'll tell me."

"Like you did? Like you told him?" Ginny pointed out.

Dean had to concede the point. "So, oh wise one, what is it you think I should do?"

"Talk to him. He has a free period next, if he's stressed he'll be in his dorm. Wait for him... sort it out, Dean; be honest with each other. You're best friends, this shouldn't make a difference."

Ginny smiled at him, encouraging him to move. Dean stood and nodded, he grabbed his sketch pad and walked away from his beautiful ex-girlfriend, down towards the doors into the entrance hall. He passed Seamus, who had been sitting as far away from him as possible while he eat breakfast. Seamus' plate looked as untouched as Dean's. Ron was sitting with Seamus, eating sausages as quickly as he could; talking with his mouthful. Dean smiled slightly at Seamus' look of mild disgust: after all, he was used to a far more mild mannered dining partner.

Dean's long legs carried him quickly up the seven floors to the Gryffindor common room. He made his excuses as Neville tried to ask him a question and hurried to his own bed.

It wasn't long before Seamus opened the door and stood there, staring at Dean. "Mate... I need to talk to you."

Dean remained silent, but nodded all the same. The Irish boy moved across the room and sat on his bed, looking at his clasped hands that lay in his lap. "What was that kiss about, Dean? Do you like me? Were you testing me?"

"I don't know why I kissed you, I just wanted to." Dean admitted, feeling that in this heart-to-heart honesty was the best way to go for both of them. "It felt like the right thing to do ... when you touched my lips..."

"So you like men then, do you?" Seamus said tersely.

Dean paused, unsure of how to answer. He liked some men, not all men, just like most boys like some girls, not all girls; but Dean had a feeling that most boys had feelings for more girls than he had for boys. Dean just really liked Seamus. "I like a boy, yes."

His friend nodded stiffly. "Right." Seamus took a deep breath, something was obviously troubling him, and causing him a great deal of anxiety.

"Shay, what's wrong?" Dean asked, concerned about this friend. "You know you can say anything to me; I'm your mate."

Seamus licked his lips and looked at his best friend. "So you'd be okay if I liked a boy too then...?"

Dean's heart leaped then sank like a stone. Seamus liked guys but not him? How was that fair in any way, shape or form? "Why would it matter, Shay? You're still the same person."

Seamus nodded. "And if it was you ... that I liked?"

The taller boy smiled at his friend. "I wouldn't mind, mate." He grinned. "You're not bad looking."

A smile went between them, a slight blush crept onto Seamus' face. They nodded at each other once; a singular sign of friendship and understanding. Everything was going to be okay.


End file.
